Monthly Archives: December 2018

December 30, 2018

We’re on the verge of a new year, and I think it’s marking the time for some changes. My Mother and I can’t seem to get along anymore. It’s been a year and somehow it seems we’ve just fallen into irreconcilable differences. She’s always been difficult to live with, but now she’s become more controlling than ever. Or at least she’s attempting. The fact that I’m not the same submissive boy I was when I left has led to an awful lot of butting heads. My favorite empty threat so far was that she threatened to give my entire inheritance to my brother. I wish she would so that I could be proven right in the knowledge that she doesn’t love me unconditionally. I wouldn’t say we’re beyond help but if we’re going to find it, one of us needs to make the move soon. I have no doubt that burden will fall on me. She spends her entire life looking at nonsense on her phone, but can’t be bothered to use it to do anything useful.

Anyway, work was definitely on the weird side this week. And now she’s outside my room again, demanding to speak with me. Well, that was productive. She tried to interrupt me in the middle of writing and again displayed her nastiest attitude when I calmly explained I was busy and refused to open the door. This is positively unproductive. Anyway, about work. With Christmas Eve and Day off, we got pushed back two days, which included working on my Brother’s birthday. That was terrible and not fun at all. It’s going to be weird next week as well, because we’ll have New Year’s Eve and Day off… and now she just threw a cup at my door. I believe it’s just been proven positive that we can’t live together anymore with that action. She wants to lecture me about not behaving like an adult. Now that’s a laugh. Here I am just trying to focus and write a simple weekly journal but if it doesn’t suit her, it can’t happen. Everything has to be on her time frame. I don’t think there’s a point attempting to reconcile the differences after all. She’s said before she doesn’t care, and it’s well shown through her actions. It’s definitely time to start looking for another place to live. I’ve had enough and won’t be disrespected by someone who claims to love me.

But back to work. We’ll have to work Friday and Saturday again, then have Sunday off, then have to work again on Monday. I know it’s going to be an absolute grind, but after that on Saturday there will be a concert that I have free tickets for so I’m sure it’ll be worth it to have that escape.

I didn’t make it to Church today, which I definitely regret. Perhaps I should make not missing it a resolution instead. I was doing rather well until the Winter months hit. At the very least, I need to keep my resolution of reading more, and follow the “Reading the Bible in One Year” plan.

Beyond that, I can’t focus right now. Might as well publish this and get it over with.

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December 23, 2018

It’s been quite some time since I sat down to write a journal. The biggest change since then is that I’ve resigned from my second job, and I’m very relieved. Currently I’ve been pushing through a bit of a “what do I do now” slump, but with Christmas in two days, it’ll be nice to not have to worry about work so much. Things will get upended again next weekend, because we’ll be working Friday and Saturday to make up, but I think I’m ready. I didn’t realize the toll it was taking on me until I was out of it. Now I don’t have to worry about asking for time off regarding weekend concerts, I don’t have to keep an odd sleep schedule, and I can focus on developing other projects. It’s rather terrific. I suppose I had railroaded myself into this in the first place, but working seven days a week, with one part-time, very easy job was something I’d done before, so I was simply working from past experience.

Something crossing my mind now is getting out from under my Mom’s roof. With time open for dating again, I know it’s something I’ll need to take care of should I find someone who would make a good long term partner. But I don’t want to get ahead of myself. I have a lot of small things I let go by the wayside that I can begin bringing back into focus first. It’s funny that I’m writing this just as I finished hanging pictures in my room today, one of the small things that I had let go of.

My boxing trainer got a new job and can’t work with me on the same schedule he had before, so I’ll have to remember to ask him about starting Friday nights in January. I really miss pounding the heavy bag and working on combinations. Not to mention the competitive nature of it felt like it gave me a sharper focus. If I do move in with a renter, it would be nice to find someone with a place just about equal distance to work, the Church, and the gym. I’ll have to work my way through a budget plan before I jump ship.

Speaking of Church, neither I or my Mother went today, but we’re definitely going to Christmas Eve service tomorrow. I was ready to roll until I was eating breakfast, then almost immediately after my energy wiped out. I’ve been sick this week, so it must be that I still needed more time to recover. I had every intention of going to Bible Study as well as worship service, but better to be safe than sorry. I recall the service before Thanksgiving, the wisest words were that it had almost become a speed bump between Halloween and Christmas, as it’s not quite so commercialized as the two. I can definitely agree with the perspective, and I’m glad it’s never been seen as a “speed bump” in my household.

I just noticed, it’s been a year now since I’ve been home, and almost a year since I’ve been going to the church. I couldn’t have possibly anticipated how much I needed the lessons, the friends I’ve made, and the connection to the divine. Hopefully I can take some bigger part in giving back now.

Unlike how I normally end these, with a “looking forward to next week,” I’m going to close on “looking forward to next year.” I’d wondered about New Year’s resolution, and I noticed I’d been doing okay with this year’s resolution to take care of debt, I already joined a gym, so what could be left? Then I settled on it. I need to read more. Whether it be following the “Reading the bible in one year,” a work of fiction, or The Rational Male by Rollo Tomassi, I need to set aside some time, every week, at least, to just read like I used to. I think now I’ll have the opportunity to get it together like I’ve planned.

And next week I’m just anticipating it’ll be a little weird because of the holiday throwing the work schedule. The end!